10 things that never happen at conferences

1. Anything in the bag you get when you arrive is worth keeping beyond this time tomorrow.
2. The most important speaker has a well prepared speech specially written for the occasion.
3. Nobody says what you learn over coffee is more valuable than the formal sessions.

4. Everyone's pretty relaxed about what the lunch is like.
5. The audience is grateful that someone can 'spare the time' to address them.
6. People listen carefully to what's being said instead of checking their email.
7. The keynote speech is notable or key.
8. It turns out there isn't much to talk about and the whole event finishes a couple of hours early.
9. Everyone agrees it didn't go well and was a massive waste of time.
10. Afterwards you contact someone who gave you their business card over tea.