We have decided to switch to Virgin Media for our phone, broadband and TV, but I'm already going off the idea. And it hasn't even been installed yet.
It's the way Virgin talks to its customers. It just doesn't work for me.
So, the envelope with the letter about the terms and conditions says on the outside:
Important stuff (no really, it is)
Then in the booklet, past the picture of the dopey young couple standing in front of a supply of logs (why?) there's this piece of nagging about the installation date:
Get that in your diary now. And maybe stick the letter on the fridge as a reminder.
Yeah right! Except I don't think of myself as a half-asleep student who can't take anything in unless it's written in snatches of fake chat.
So, Virgin, old boy, you're not going to charm me, or even make me get on with the paperwork with that kind of thing ("pop it back to us in the envelope").
Ways to pay. Well, we had to mention paying at some point, so let's get it over with quickly.
With us being such good mates and all that, why don't you just give it to me for free?
And, by the way, I'm not thinking of the installation visit as "the big day" either. Just as an afternoon when I have to wait at home for up to 6 hours because, of course, you can't tell me when you're going to turn up.
Nor will I be saying "Wahoo!" when the engineer has got it working.
So far, all that's happened is that a man knocked on the front door yesterday to say he was going to drill a hole in the front wall to run the cable through.
Thankfully, he was glum and uncommunicative, in the proper way.